♪ ♪ I used to be the queen of the music scene ♪
♪ Cristal, Prada, Limousines. ♪
♪ I was living large 'til trouble found me. ♪
♪ Found me. ♪
♪ And now I'm stuck in hell, suburbia, ♪
♪ never knew what two kids could do to ya ♪
♪ Soccer moms and carpools make me... ♪
♪ SCREAM! ♪
♪ (Screams) ♪
♪ This is gonna be tough, but I gotta ♪
♪ M-m... Mother Up! ♪
Wow. A whole day of shopping.
Where do you find the time?
You make time or your kids will take everything.
It's important to reward yourself every so always.
Mom! Mom!
Trend Alert! Trend Alert!
All the kids have hover boots!
We need them.
I'll never ask for anything again, ever today.
Fine. Get in the car. We'll go to the mall.
Yes! Yes!
God, "me, me, me".
Rudi, do you think it's a good idea to give the kids
whatever they want, whenever they want?
Of course!
How else are they going to learn
they deserve more than other people?
I'm not raising losers.
That'll be six hundred dollars.
[buzzer]
You're over your limit.
Limit? Rudi Wilson has no limits.
No, Rudi Wilson has no money.
The bank declined your card.
That's not how it works. I spend whatever I want.
They call and bitch.
I tell them to go to hell and raise my limit
or I'll go to another company,
They do, free money.
Economics 101.
[buzzer]
Fine. They don't want these stupid boots anyway.
No mommy. We'll die without these boots!
Please let us keep the boots!
It can be my birthday present for the next ten years.
Why can't we afford nice things?
I'm preparing you for your poverty ridden future -
Say Cheese!
Mommy's going on the Wall of Shame
where she belongs.
You're a retail clerk.
You're too far below me to ever cast shame on me.
[playful laughter]
Haha!
Dick and Apple are bereft of the economic means
to buy hover boots!
I don't even know what bereft means.
You're poor!
[cackles]
Good job walking, losers!
Are we out of money mom?
I finally understand Dickens.
We're not poor.
Last month's royalty cheque
wasn't as big as I'm used to, that's all.
I couldn't help but overhear you're poor.
Kids can be so accurate...
I mean cruel.
Not as cruel as gravity.
Let's not forget that.
I saw you on the wall of shame,
I'm sorry for your public humiliation.
Hey, hey, hey. I am not broke!
I was in the music business.
Every time one of my former artists farts I get a cut.
Ugh, so other people with skills work
and you take some of their money.
How lucky for you.
I brought the hand me downs like you told me to Jenny.
These are Travis' old hover boots, he's got newer ones.
Look, Dick and Apple, hand-me-downs for your family.
Don't touch them, you'll get a disease.
Kids, go to class and when you come home
we're hitting the mall
and you're getting your own hover boots - Turbo ones.
Those exist, right?
Good. Turbo ones!
Stupid ignorant faux charitable idiot GAH!
What the hell are you doing here?
I'm putting my life back together.
My empire is collapsing!
I'm out of control.
My all-manatee production of Annie was a disaster.
[booing]
And that explains you being naked in my house, how?
I've been throwing away crazy amounts of money
trying to fill a void in my life
but none of it was making me happy.
Then you were doing it wrong.
Tell you what, give me a lot of money
and I'll show you how to spend it.
That, I'm afraid, is impossible.
Eww, gross.
2Bit, what did I tell you
about banging trannies in my house?
Not to mention there are way hotter ones than this?
I'm not a transvestite.
I'm 2Bit's spiritual advisor.
He hired me to guide him to a better state.
And you have to do that here?
It's perfect.
There's nothing here to tempt me
because where you live sucks in every way imaginable.
Well, if you and RuPaul are staying here
then you are paying rent.
Mmm, 2Bit is on a money cleanse
as well as a life cleanse.
Any exchange of currency would dirty his chakra.
I'm begging, Rudi.
My chakra is dirtier than a Frenchman's conscience.
Yea, well I'm on a spiritual journey
to prove to some other moms
I'm better than them so pay up.
I can't. I already purged myself of all my money.
Why don't you get a job?
I don't need a job I just need a quick fix of cash
to tide me over till next month, so fork it over.
What am I supposed to do?
Sell my blood?
People will pay you for that?
Does it have to be your blood
or can you bring in a bag of someone else's?
Hi, I'm a local mom, Megan whose-her-face.
I lost my job frightening horses
and need to sell my blood.
Have you given blood this week?
Nope.
Have you ever taken recreational drugs?
I'm not cool enough to do that.
Any history of sexually transmitted diseases?
I'm hideous. No man would have me.
Here you go.
Seriously? That's it?
This place is a rip-off.
Fine. There are lots of other insolvent deadbeats
in terrible wigs who will give us their blood.
Hey, I'm not a -
Have you given any blood this week?
Nope.
GAH!
Greetings Dick.
Are...are... you talking to me?
Of course. What are you doing?
Moving to a higher plane of consciousness
by freeing myself from the shackles of materialism...
And underwear. [snaps fingers]
How come you're naked and he's not?
Ah...I have already achieved peace and purity.
2Bit needs a full Life Cleanse which is best done
without distractions like clothing or food
that might hide our real selves from our true selves
which are also hiding from our potential selves.
So, if you'll excuse us...
Sure, I was raised in New York.
I know better than to get in the way of a naked guy
and a man in a dress.
Mom!
You're thinner than the people
in the World War Two movie we watched in history class
and some of them were dead.
Aw, that's sweet,
but there's no need to suck up with flattery,
I already bought you hover boots.
Thanks, Mom!
Turbo Ultra Mach 2's - Just saying.
You know, I was gonna get the Turbo Ultras
like you're kids,
but hey why settle if you don't have to, you know...
Where is everybody?
Are we popular yet?
[cackles]
Look everyone,
they still think Hover Boots are cool!
[laughter]
Losers.
Mommy, shouldn't we happy like the kids on the box?
Hover boots are stupid now.
You're not cool unless you have an invisibility blanket.
Now Travis, be nice.
I'm sure Rudi is doing the best she can for her kids
and I think we should commend her for that.
Good for you Rudi.
I'd clap but I don't want to draw attention
and embarrass you.
Whatever, being seen talking to you already did that.
Mommy, invisible kids were mean to me.
Un-huh. Come here....
Hover me to the car, my feet are killing me.
Can we get invisibility blankets?
If kids can't see us they can't make fun of us.
Oh now Dick, I'm sure they'd find a way.
Kids are very creative.
Please, Mom.
I have an extra kidney I could sell.
We are not selling the backup plan for your college fund.
BOTH: But Mom!
No!
It's good not to get everything you want.
It's called delaying gratification
and apparently nerds at universities
think it's good for kids.
Or it might have been the Nazis.
What are you going to do now,
hover over to the soup kitchen for shoe soup?
THEY DON'T EVEN MAKE THAT!
Look everyone, their mode of transportation
heightens how lame they are.
Hey that's mine!
Gah!
Oh.
Hurry up kids and fly me out of here!
If anyone asks, he fell.
Have you given blood this week? Nope.
Have you ever taken recre- It's you!
You're banned.
Your blood shortens the life span
of the people it's given to.
Oh come on, since when did dying people get so picky?
Mmm - blood money's a chumps game.
How'd you like to make some... real money?
How'd you like to leave me alone
before I punch you in the face?
Admitting you have a problem is the first step.
When you accept your circumstances, call me.
The financial rewards are quite significant.
Fine.
But just so you know I'm cool with anything
but a donkey show.
Hey, out of curiosity -
if there was a donkey show,
what does something like that pay?
Because I have a friend named Sarah I could talk into it.
She has low self esteem.
Rudi? It's Sarah.
Listen, I heard what happened
to Dick and Apple at school
and I just want to let you know that I'm-
(Scream)
Here for you...
Rudi ain't here.
I'm cleaning my insides out.
Oh.
Well that seems nice.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
Some people say that
but I don't think we should talk
about God's Penis right now.
A'ight.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Oh! Is Rudi here?
Naw, she went to some kind of job interview.
Right. Right.
Well, you know it was nice to see it, both, you.
I mean it was nice seeing you both.
But, thank you. Oh, oh.
Man, it's like she ain't never seen a spiritual man before...
Or my penis.
[wheezing]
So just fill this out then?
[wheezing]
Yea, don't clear your throat, that always helps...
[wheezing]
What are they?
[wheezing]
Oh, whatever.
[wheezing]
So what the hell is this place?
A scientific venture on behalf of certain investors
with an interest in discovering various science related...
things.
What were the pills?
With any luck, soon we'll know.
How do you feel now? Same.
And now? Fine.
And now?
Not so good.
[chuckles] Good.
[honking]
Mom, I found 2Bit naked in my room.
Dick, just because I'm your mom doesn't mean it's my job
to drop everything and come running
every time there's a naked man in your bedroom.
Mom! Watch out for that car!
What car? [honking]
Watch out for that building!
Green spots are cars and red spots are people
or maybe it's the other way around.
Look, as long as I don't hit any spots we're good.
[screaming]
Wow... Not going to lie,
part of me is surprised we made it.
Come on Dick, the sooner they start teasing us,
the sooner it will be over.
Wait, you almost forgot - your invisibility blankets!
You're the best mom ever!
Yes I am.
Let's go to the playground so you can say that again,
loud enough for all the other moms to hear.
Come on kids.
Walk with your heads held high.
Show 'em what an unbelievably great mom you have.
DICK: Hey Travis, look!
I got an invisibility blanket!
[cackles]
Hey Dick look - who cares!
All the cool kids have PMD's now!
Portable Money Destroyers...
Mom, make it rain!
I only have fives. Will you forgive me?
Whatever.
[whirring]
There's always scissors
but you'd still need money to destroy.
[beeping]
You people make me sick!
Don't you realize what you're doing?
You're making kids think that their every need
has to be satisfied!
Only our needs should be satisfied!
[gasps]
Oh my God!
[laughter]
What the hell are you little freaks laughing at?
Mom! Stop! What?
[laughter]
[screaming]
Huh. Serves you right.
Now who's the stupid looking one, Nubsie?
Older one and girl! Time to go!
I feel sick. Can I stay home?
Can I quit school and get a job?
I can be a tortured writer
and write plays about how I survived my childhood.
Oh, look at that, [buzzing]
my little kids are trying to skip school. [buzzing]
Are you guys finally cool or... [buzzing]
Wait, you guys aren't cool. What's going on?
Everyone makes fun of us
because you won't buy us portable money Destroyers!
Do you know what kind of crap I did to myself
to get those invisibility blankets
so I could stick it to those stupid moms?
I mean, to help you fit in?
But the blankets are no fun now!
Sure they are!
See? Here I am!
Where'd I go?
Here I am!
Where'd I go?
Here I am. Wheee!
Now start having emotionally scarring and painful fun!
BOTH: Wheee...
That's more like it. Now get in the car.
Keep an eye out for spots.
All right kids, go be what children should be - invisible.
[buzzing]
DOCTOR: This is the lab.
You're late for your last test.
Yeah, I'm done testing. Find someone else.
As part of the fine print -
Piss off. Okey-doke.
I'll just update your file.
Hey!
Unless this is the Wu Tang Clan paying me back
for that time in Ibiza, you better let me go!
STEVE: I just need another few days.
It's only a matter of time before 2Bit caves
and signs everything over to me.
2Bit's resistance is wearing down
from lack of food and enforced nudity.
And you said Abu Ghraib had nothing to teach us.
I'll tell you what it is - Guantanamo - money.
[inhales]
[exhales]
[farts]
[gagging sound]
Oh, there you are.
Just in time.
You realize this is kidnapping?
So call the police.
None of this technically exists.
There's only one road in
and we'll see them coming long before they get here.
Oh fine, let's just get this over with,
maybe I'll get lucky and one of these will erase
all the memories I have of living in the suburbs.
Mom! The spiritual cross dresser is a bad man
and he's going to steal 2Bit's money.
Not my problem.
Here I got you one of these things.
It's okay. I don't want it anymore.
Too bad. Take your new toy to your room
and ruin mommy's money.
2Bit?
I'm sorry to bother you but -
Shh. Your word noise is ruining my creative vibe.
I'm trying to channel a new hit song!
See? No no no.
That's OK.
Um, I have something important to say.
I'm a musician, man, nothing you have to say
can be as important as my words.
There's nothing there.
Yeah, I know.
I'm so hungry I can't even think.
And, I got a carpet burn on my ass.
I got no inspiration...
Well hang on now...
Damn, girl.
You got stone cold stilt legs.
You like the world's tallest shorty.
Stiltin' shorties.
Now that's something I can work with.
Mom what happened?
What am I a scientist?
How the hell would I know.
Oh, son-of-a- [thump]
Why is that there?
2Bit, he's is trying to rob you.
Who? Guru Steve? Naw, he's the real deal.
He told me so himself.
You're just all caught up in materialism.
I mean look at yourself -
hover boots, invisibility blankets, a money destroyer.
Boy, you've been completely brainwashed by the man.
But I heard him talking on the phone.
Beat it, Dick. I got a hit song to write.
[belch]
You're a bad man and you're trying to steal from 2Bit.
"Oh, you're a bad man"
Don't you have somewhere to go and not fit in, loser?
I'm telling on you.
Ooh, you caught me!
Fine.
I'm stealing from him.
But who's he going to believe -
his spiritual advisor
or a kid who still thinks hover boots are cool?
I can't believe I trusted you with my entire life
ten minutes after I fired you
from the wardrobe department on Mannie.
You betrayed me.
If you're going to beat me up, put some pants on.
I don't have any clothes!
You told me I couldn't find inner happiness
unless I burned everything I owned in a dumpster
and I believed you!
You know when I start to explain it all out loud
it does seem kind of crazy.
Whatever, you're never gonna catch me anyway.
I've been sneaking food all along.
You won't have the energy.
I can't be stopped.
[whirring]
[loud thump]
Thanks, Dick, you saved my life.
I got to get to the studio
and drop a hit about the major revelation I just had,
but I promise to repay you for your loyalty.
[fart]
Maybe don't squeeze so tight.
RUDI: Dick, look after Apple!
I have to run some revenge -
I mean errands.
And some mail came for you today.
Stilts?
Dear Dick and Apple.
Wear these to school. 2Bit.
Hmm?
Dick and Apple are pretending to be taller.
Get 'em!
Wait! We're on stilts.
My friend 2Bit said stilting is cool.
Dick, I'm scared.
It'll be OK, Apple.
2Bit said this would work.
But he was naked when he said it
and mommy told me to never trust a naked man
because they'll say anything.
Their height is an affront to us all!
Tip them over!
Wait! He's right! Look at this!
♪ Check it, ya'll; ♪
♪ it's 2Bit living tall, ♪
♪ got my head up in the clouds yo... ♪
♪ feel me. ♪
♪ I'm kicked back in the penthouse suite at the Hilton ♪
♪ 7 foot shorty serving me Stilton ♪
♪ Everyone's jealous looking at my built in. ♪
He's a good carpenter.
♪ Stiltin'. ♪
[♪]
We did it Apple.
We're trendsetters.
I'm going to remember this right up until it stops lasting.
Did you read that story in the paper
about the illegal drug company they found.
Someone had tied up all the people that worked there
and made them eat a bunch of weird pills.
They don't think any of them will ever be the same.
Huh, it's a crazy world.
Hey, if some guy calls you about a donkey, say no.
[♪]
♪ When we got skirts on we be kiltin' ♪
♪ If we were fish, we'd be gefiltin' ♪
♪ If he was a funny Berle, comedian with a big one, ♪
♪ he'd have to be Milton. ♪
♪ Stiltin! ♪ ♪ Stilt life! ♪
[♪]